Letting Go

I just let go of something, and someone, I had been holding onto for far too long. It hurts, and at the same time feels amazing.

It may have been a bit melodramatic, and may have seemed unnecessary to some, but it was what I needed to move on.

I am making a commitment to myself. To live a good life, every day. To stop waiting until I lose weight to love my life, to love myself.

I'm going to work on loving myself every day, it may not be easy in every moment, but I'm going to make a serious commitment.

I am going to 'be love.' No more, no less. And I will trust that the rest of it will work itself out.

I am going to live my life, and stop planning to live my life when x, y, or z happens.

Alright, that melodramatic rant was over, but I'm going to fight for it to remain true.

Be love.
Namaste.
Breathe.
Ahhhh.

Zion, Grand Canyon and Flagstaff

I am sitting on the top bunk. Damn. Really was hoping to get a bottom (and somewhat claimed one), but alas, I returned to find my scarf moved to a top bunk. So here I sit. It is strange to be back in the 'real world.' 

This morning I left the Center for True North. It was amazing how hard it was to say goodbye, and I didn't even have to say goodbye to the people (as they were all out), but just saying goodbye to such an amazing place was difficult. But I left around 9am and headed toward The Grand Canyon. Fortunately my drive took me through Zion National Park, which is one of my new favorite places in the world.  Despite rain it was lovely and I continued on to the Grand Canyon, which was, Grand. Ha!  I hate to say it, but it wasn't really my cup of tea.

I know, you are all (okay the two of you who read this, let's be honest), are saying "What!? How can one of the wonders of the world not be your 'cup of tea?'" But, if I'm being honest, it just didn't touch me as much as Zion. There is some sort of spiritual energy at Zion that I just didn't feel in the hectic, tourist ridden Grand Canyon. Don't get me wrong, I was sufficiently impressed. It is an awesome and unparalleled sight, and I do hope to return for a few days sometime in the future, but for me, I will take Zion and Yellowstone over the grand canyon any day. People who scoff at the Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone in favor of the Grand Canyon have it wrong in my opinion. But, to each is own I suppose.

Now I sit in my hostel, after having had a marvelous meal at this wonderful international cafe called Mountain Oasis. And I had enough leftovers to easily last me through my food tomorrow. I probably won't even need the free breakfast the hostel offers (but I will check it out just to see). My plan is to get up bright and early and get on the road again, stopping in Sedona on the way.

I am in love with this trip, with this country (at least geographically and physically), with my car, and with myself. And no, I don't mean that in any sort of self centered way, but I'm pretty darn fabulous and pretty darn nice. And I have the strength at 23 to take off on my own, if only for a few weeks. I met a fellow solo traveler at dinner in his 40's. He was amazed that I wasn't worried to be traveling alone, and glad to meet a kindred spirit.

Well, I suppose that is all for now. More amazing adventures to come, I'm sure.

Namaste

Phase 1: Mormons and Thunderstorms (Written Oct 5)

I can’t even begin to synthesize my trip so far. I suppose I could make a list of the things I’ve done, the places I’ve been, the people I’ve seen, but somehow I know that wouldn’t even start to scratch the surface.  The last five days have been amazing. And yet, at the same time they have been very difficult as well. I wanted this trip to be some sort of grand transformative journey, and I guess I’m getting my wish.  I wish I could put into words everything that I’ve experienced, and am experiencing, even right now, in this very moment, but it is definitely something beyond my abilities of articulation.

But I guess that a run-down of events so far would be a good place to start.

Friday , October 1 I left West Yellowstone and headed down to Springville, Utah and arrived at Dave and Natalie Burton’s adorable house. Natalie and Nora (and Joey) were there to greet me, and (surprise of all surprises) Nora wasn’t terrified of me and actually seemed to kind of enjoy my presence. (Insanity, I know, Clare not scaring the living daylights of a 20 month old.)  I can’t believe how much of a little person Nora is. She is adorable. And it is true, Natalie, your kids are the cutest.  That evening Michael’s friend Barret picked me up to head to the Blue October concert down in Salt Lake City. He was very nice, very young, and very much a fan of musical theatre.  It was a tiny bit awkward being in the car with him and not having Michael there to introduce us, but I think we did okay.  However, for being a local, Barret was slightly directionally challenged and it took us a while to find Michael and his friend Kaylie.

Alright, it is Michael, I should have known what I was getting into agreeing to do anything with him, but alas, I am, and forever will be, the queen of ‘the benefit of the doubt.’ And, because of such optimism I was a bit taken aback by how couple-y Michael was with Ms. Kaylie.  I knew they were friends, and he had mentioned something about some high school unrequited love, but I really didn’t expect him to basically ignore me and canoodle with her for the majority of the evening. Ah well. The joys of being friends with Mr 18 Year Old.  The concert was amazing, I’m still not in love with all of their music, but I love live music of almost every variety; the energy, and the passion of everyone in the crown was contagious. It was a great concert despite us almost being late and standing for far too long in heels.

After we dropped off Kaylie (and Michael made out with her for a while) Michael proceeded to fall asleep in the back seat while it took Barret FOREVER to drive home. Eventually we got back to Dave and Natalie’s around 2am and they had a mattress set up for me on the living room floor with sheets and blankets and, wait for it, a little hard candy! (The closest they could come to a pillow-mint). They are absolutely too adorable for words.

Saturday Natalie and I had a slow start, but we had such a blast talking and catching up. Although we disagree on matters of religion and politics she is a wonderful spirit that makes me wish she was an atheist (and her wish I was a Mormon). Ha!  We went to an amazing little café with lots of veggie and vegan options and I got some wheatgrass (which I spilled on myself) and an amazing sandwich. We then went up to Orem to see the end of Dave’s sitzprobe for Scarlett Pimpernel. I really hope I get to see that show! Then, to make a good day even better, we had a spontaneous theater attendance to “The Girl, The Grouch, and the Goat.” Horrible title, I know, but it was rather charming and showcased some incredible talent.

After that was more time with Natalie and the kids (I even played with Nora for a bit), and then to Dave’s parents for some dessert. They are a lovely family, and so welcoming. 

Sunday morning saw us up bright and early and off to Natalie’s parents for General Conference breakfast. So many people! It was lovely as well, and I even stayed and watched general conference as an intellectual curiosity. (Side note: Still not becoming a Mormon any time soon, but I am now the owner of my very own copy of The Book of Mormon! Ha!)  I then was expecting to go pick up Michael and return him and his instruments to Cedar City. BUT, in typical Michael fashion, he changed his plans so he could leave later and I drove the four hours alone, and dropped his guitar and violin with a friend of his at his school. I listened to some great NPR stuff though, so mayhap it was meant to be.

Now I arrive at my time here at the Center for True North. Wow. No words. It hasn’t all been a blissful spiritual adventure, don’t get me wrong, but the people who run the place (Mariangela and Hank) and Bill, their friend, who is the only other guest at the moment, are all wonderful people and kindred spirits. I find myself constantly planning when I’m going to be able to come back and having to remind myself to just stay in the moment and enjoy my time here now.

An unexpected happening is the rain storm that hasn’t really let up since 12 hours after I arrived. Thunder, lightning, pounding rain, it is crazy, and beautiful. It has put a (literal) damper on any hiking or exploring that I wanted to do, but I think I kind of needed to be shut up with my own self for a few days anyway. I know this is a turning point in my life and I can’t wait to see where I go from here. (Literally and figuratively, as I’m headed to the Grand Canyon in the morning.)  I probably won’t post this for at least a day, as I’m not on the internet here, but it is currently Tuesday night as I write this.

I feel the soul of the world here so strongly. The pull to be more than I am, go deeper than I am. I’ve even used some of their Tarot decks and done a few self readings that were pretty eerie and exciting. I feel a shift, a death and a rebirth. I am even getting chills at the moment as I write this. Letting go of the old, letting go of thoughts, and ideas, and habits that no longer serve me, and opening my heart to what is to come. Ahhhhh. Say it with me: ahhhhh. Doesn’t that feel good. I’m relearning how to breathe. It is crazy how easy it is to forget to breathe properly.  Oh! And Bill and I have been playing guitar and singing, he is a fellow theatre folk.

I know wonderful things are in my future. I just know it. We are the masters of our own destiny, and I refuse to sit back and be complacent any longer. Now, I must start making the decisions that I’ve been putting off. That is the hard part; that is my greatest weakness. But I know I will rise to the occasion. I feel my life unfolding in beautiful way in front of me and I’m ready to go greet it.

The storm has returned, good thing I love thunder and lighting.

Leaving

I leave for my road trip. In 12 hours. Wow. I still have quite a bit of packing to do, but I'm sure it will all get done. It has finally started to sink in that I'm leaving, and for six weeks, and I'm so excited and also sad, and happy, and every other emotion, all at once.

So here is the current plan:

Oct 1-2 Springville, UT
Oct 3-6 Center for True North in Southern Utah
Oct 6 The Grand Canyon
Oct 7-10 Scottsdale, AZ with Ari!
Oct 10 Possibly the Las Vegas Renaissance Faire
Oct 11-14 Los Angeles Area
Oct 15 Pescadero, CA
Oct 16-17 Yosemite
Oct 18 Monterey with Karen
Oct 19-21 Oakland with Rachel
Oct 22-23 Ashland, OR for the Shakespeare Festival
Oct 24-26 Portland area with Andrea!
Oct 27 Olympia area with Jacklyn
Oct 28-Nov 8 Tacoma and Seattle with all the wonderful people who live there! And NOMT!
Nov 9-11 Probably Missoula with Darah and Amber
Home some time after that.
Here I go! Bon voyage!
namaste

Sacrificing the Bunny

Well, tonight we sacrificed the bunny. This is not nearly as dramatic as it sounds, but it was awfully fun.  Bronwyn got a GIANT chocolate bunny from her fiance for valentines day, which we've been eating all summer, and tonight, we finally sacrificed him, chopped him up, and cooked him into Oatmeal Raisin cookies! Yum!

However, eating lots of cookies made me realize, again, how much I hate the feeling of having eaten too much. And I hate dealing with my blood sugar afterward. If I ever really want to get control over my life, I need to get control over my blood sugar.

Turns out that tonight had a lot to teach me. Sacrificing the bunny taught me how much fun it is to have girlfriends, and to laugh and be silly and take funny pictures. It also taught me that I really need to make a huge change in the way I eat if I ever want to feel really great. I can't live in denial about this disease. I have diabetes, and this means that if I want to live the long, happy life that I plan on living, I need to make some changes now. My 20's won't last forever, but I at least want my life to last through my 20's!  Reality is starting to settle, and I need to make some changes.

The other thing we did while sacrificing the chocolate bunny was watch the movie "Easy Virtue."  I had heard bad things, but I LOVED it. Probably just because I loved Jessica Beil's character so much. And it was first a Noel Coward play, written when he was only 25. But, turns out by then he had already written 15 plays!  Not only was I incredibly inspired by the movie, and by Larita's wonderful ability to be who she was and live her life fully and boisterously, but I was also inspired by the fact that Noel Coward was practically my age when we was writing these amazing plays.

I don't need to wait for my day of brilliance. My genius is here, right now, waiting for me to tap into it. I don't need to apologize about who I am. I drink. I am a sexual person. I swear. And these things are okay. I don't believe in God, with a capital G. I think religion hinders, rather than helps. I want to save the world, and I want to create beauty. And I can do and be all of these things. I don't need to apologize for them.

My new goals: be myself, which is love. And treat myself in accordance with the knowledge that I am love. Nourish my body with the food that will make it healthy and strong. And nourish my spirit with the people and places that will make me happy and free. Each breath is a gift. It is so simple and yet so easy to forget.  I am open. I am an artist. I am love.

Oh, and I am going to start writing my book. Someday. Hopefully soon. And play the guitar. And the ukulele. And sing. And dance, and do everything that makes me happy and joyful to be alive.

Breath in. Breath out. Love. Ahh.
Namaste

The Artist in Me

Okay, first things first: Here are the lyrics to a song I just discovered at a concert at the PineCone Playhouse tonight. It was by singer/songwriter David Mallet and this song touched me so much that I just downloaded it and listened to it and typed out all the lyrics. It is amazing.

The Artist in Me by David Mallet

Why do I fly? Why do I fall? Must be the artist in me, guess it's just the artist in me.
Why am I amazed at the wonder of it all? Guess it's just the artist in me.
Why am I alone even when I'm in a crowd? It must be the artist in me, guess it's just the artist in me.
Why make my living being lonely out loud? Guess it's just the artist in me.

Why do I live on coffee and wine? Why do I have to keep moving all the time?
And how do I know that beauty will set me free?
Why am I awake when the whole world is asleep?
It must be the artist in me, guess it's just the artist in me.
People throw away all the things I keep, I guess it's just the artist in me.

Why do I seek these universal truths? Must be the artist in me, guess it's just the artist in me.
Why do I still mourn all the heroes of my youth? Guess it's just the artist in me.

Why do I live on coffee and wine? Why do I have to keep moving all the time?
Why do I know that beauty will set me free?
Why do I fly? Why do I fall? Must be the artist in me, guess it's just the artist in me.
Why am I amazed at the wonder of it all? I guess it's just the artist in me.
Why am I my best when I'm right down to a crawl? I guess it's just the artist in me.

I'm totally in love with this song. If you want to hear it, here's the only link I could find to it on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyJjHFtQFlM

It really captures how I feel right now, which I know is terribly cheesy, but I love when you find music like that.

I'm getting very excited for my road trip. At first I thought I was putting too much pressure on it, hoping to 'find myself' etc. But why the hell not? Why not have amazing expectations for an amazing adventure?  If the smallest moments in life can change you, then something like this certainly can. 

I'm seriously considering some kind of fast also. I feel so muddy, and murky, and unclear lately. And I know that part of that has to do with the junk I've been putting into my body. I need to clean myself up a bit, emotionally, physically, and spiritually if I want to get all I possibly can from this trip at the end of the month.

But for now, I shall sign off and get to work memorizing my lines.
Namaste. Be love. Be an artist.

The Sacrament

Today was a very interesting day. I went to the mormon church for the first time. And the second time. And the third time. We were asked, as the Pinecone Playhouse to lead Sacrament meeting, and that included the whole cast singing a song. In some ways it was really nice, and in others it made me very glad that I am no longer religious.  Some of the talks were wonderful, particularly Jeff's two talks at Canyon and Lake. They were pretty non-religious, and just great stories and life advice, and made me really think about living my life from a place of gratitude and happiness.

I have known for a while that I need to make some major changes in my life, and that is becoming clearer and clearer every day. For instance, I've wanted a boyfriend for a long time now. Somehow I've thought that having a man that loved me, and wanted me, would fill some empty part of me. But I'm starting to realize that I don't want to have to be filled, or completed. I don't want to find my 'other half.' I want to complete myself, then, maybe I will find the right person to compliment the person that I become, but, for now, I think I need to stop looking.

I'm not going to close myself off from the possibility of love, because, really, all I want to do is to BE love, and give love and receive love. However, I need to stop looking in such earnest. I am going to stop trying to find vindication in others. No one can complete me, but me. And I know this is a simple idea that most people figure out much earlier, but it is just starting to really click for me. And I know that for it to click in life, not just in theory, I will need to practice it every day.

One thing Jeff talked about today is that thoughts are not simple, private, nothings. They are real, they are true, they are what we create, they are what we are. I am working to change my thoughts. I don't need someone else to complete me. I have a full and wonderful life. I am safe. I am loved. I am LOVE. I am complete and I am worthy of everything I have received and will receive.

Ahhh. How good these thoughts feel and how hard they seem to be to keep in our minds. But I know that every day I keep thinking these positive thoughts the closer I will be to a truly happy, peaceful, loving life.  Changing my life, one thought at a time...ahh, how good it feels.

namaste. be love.