Today was a very interesting day. I went to the mormon church for the first time. And the second time. And the third time. We were asked, as the Pinecone Playhouse to lead Sacrament meeting, and that included the whole cast singing a song. In some ways it was really nice, and in others it made me very glad that I am no longer religious. Some of the talks were wonderful, particularly Jeff's two talks at Canyon and Lake. They were pretty non-religious, and just great stories and life advice, and made me really think about living my life from a place of gratitude and happiness.
I have known for a while that I need to make some major changes in my life, and that is becoming clearer and clearer every day. For instance, I've wanted a boyfriend for a long time now. Somehow I've thought that having a man that loved me, and wanted me, would fill some empty part of me. But I'm starting to realize that I don't want to have to be filled, or completed. I don't want to find my 'other half.' I want to complete myself, then, maybe I will find the right person to compliment the person that I become, but, for now, I think I need to stop looking.
I'm not going to close myself off from the possibility of love, because, really, all I want to do is to BE love, and give love and receive love. However, I need to stop looking in such earnest. I am going to stop trying to find vindication in others. No one can complete me, but me. And I know this is a simple idea that most people figure out much earlier, but it is just starting to really click for me. And I know that for it to click in life, not just in theory, I will need to practice it every day.
One thing Jeff talked about today is that thoughts are not simple, private, nothings. They are real, they are true, they are what we create, they are what we are. I am working to change my thoughts. I don't need someone else to complete me. I have a full and wonderful life. I am safe. I am loved. I am LOVE. I am complete and I am worthy of everything I have received and will receive.
Ahhh. How good these thoughts feel and how hard they seem to be to keep in our minds. But I know that every day I keep thinking these positive thoughts the closer I will be to a truly happy, peaceful, loving life. Changing my life, one thought at a time...ahh, how good it feels.
namaste. be love.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Applause and Tornadoos
Today has been an extremely bizarre day. Woke up from an extremely bizarre dream that involved a dream world within my dream, and to be woken up I had to be staked, like a vampire on True Blood. So, with that jolly start to my day, things just kept getting weirder.
I actually got to spend a little time with my mom, which was lovely. We talked about my road trip, and that I plan on spending way too much money on a guitar. It was nice. Then we decided to both take naps, and about 20 minutes into said naps there was a knock on the door. Two friends were here to tell us that they couldn't get a hold of my dad and that the roof of his house had been blown off by a tornado. Yes, you read that right, a tornado, in West Yellowstone, Montana. The first one ever on record, and it hit my dad's house.
Thankfully it only took down some trees (some MAJOR trees, up, clean out by the roots), and took the roof off part of the house and blew over some trailers and stuff. And the upstairs was never truly exposed, just the unfinished attic. There was some scurrying to get tarps to cover where the roof used to be though, to keep the rain from destroying the upstairs.
After all that craziness, which included an attempt to introduce my dad's cat Pesto to my cat, Pooka (epic fail), I finally got to the theatre. We had an amazing house, we were almost sold out, and after my first exit, I got applause!! It was unreal. I have never experienced exit applause until tonight. It was such an amazing feeling. It was a great show.
Tomorrow, I will be going to the Mormon church. Yes, again, you read that right. I, Clare Edgerton, atheist, will be attending the sacrament meeting at the LDS church here in West Yellowstone. We, as the Pinecone Players, will be leading the sacrament meeting and singing and such. Then we will head into Yellowstone to do it again at two short services at Canyon and Lake. All in all, between the tornado, the applause and me walking into a Mormon church to help LEAD a worship service, it is shaping up to be one of the stranger weekends of my life.
Two other really fun things did happen today though. I started to finalize things for my road trip. It is really beginning to take shape. And I think I have decided on what guitar that I'm getting. I am very excited for both things because they are both integral parts of my new plan to really try and find myself.
I know that sounds a little crazy and new age and woo woo, and I haven't exactly lost myself, but in a way I do feel I have put aside myself for the summer. For a while now I've been someone I don't really recognize as myself. And I'm ready to find out who adult Clare is. I am ready for some time to myself. For some time to write, to read, to drive, to walk, to play, to just BE. I am ready to be me. To do me. To learn who I am as an independent adult. I know I may be putting a mite bit too much pressure on this road trip as the 'salvation after the summer,' or something like that, but I really do believe it will be good for me.
However, I am going to start working on finding myself before I leave. Heck, tomorrow, or even right now. I need to start making decisions for the betterment of my physical, emotional and spiritual health. And I need to let go of other people for a little while. The ones who matter will hold on to me or still be there when I get back. I think I cling to much, so step number one of the self discover/self improvement adventure: let go. let go. let go.
Mmmm. Ahhh... Just typing it feels good.
So, that is all for this crazy night.
Namaste. Be love.
I actually got to spend a little time with my mom, which was lovely. We talked about my road trip, and that I plan on spending way too much money on a guitar. It was nice. Then we decided to both take naps, and about 20 minutes into said naps there was a knock on the door. Two friends were here to tell us that they couldn't get a hold of my dad and that the roof of his house had been blown off by a tornado. Yes, you read that right, a tornado, in West Yellowstone, Montana. The first one ever on record, and it hit my dad's house.
Thankfully it only took down some trees (some MAJOR trees, up, clean out by the roots), and took the roof off part of the house and blew over some trailers and stuff. And the upstairs was never truly exposed, just the unfinished attic. There was some scurrying to get tarps to cover where the roof used to be though, to keep the rain from destroying the upstairs.
After all that craziness, which included an attempt to introduce my dad's cat Pesto to my cat, Pooka (epic fail), I finally got to the theatre. We had an amazing house, we were almost sold out, and after my first exit, I got applause!! It was unreal. I have never experienced exit applause until tonight. It was such an amazing feeling. It was a great show.
Tomorrow, I will be going to the Mormon church. Yes, again, you read that right. I, Clare Edgerton, atheist, will be attending the sacrament meeting at the LDS church here in West Yellowstone. We, as the Pinecone Players, will be leading the sacrament meeting and singing and such. Then we will head into Yellowstone to do it again at two short services at Canyon and Lake. All in all, between the tornado, the applause and me walking into a Mormon church to help LEAD a worship service, it is shaping up to be one of the stranger weekends of my life.
Two other really fun things did happen today though. I started to finalize things for my road trip. It is really beginning to take shape. And I think I have decided on what guitar that I'm getting. I am very excited for both things because they are both integral parts of my new plan to really try and find myself.
I know that sounds a little crazy and new age and woo woo, and I haven't exactly lost myself, but in a way I do feel I have put aside myself for the summer. For a while now I've been someone I don't really recognize as myself. And I'm ready to find out who adult Clare is. I am ready for some time to myself. For some time to write, to read, to drive, to walk, to play, to just BE. I am ready to be me. To do me. To learn who I am as an independent adult. I know I may be putting a mite bit too much pressure on this road trip as the 'salvation after the summer,' or something like that, but I really do believe it will be good for me.
However, I am going to start working on finding myself before I leave. Heck, tomorrow, or even right now. I need to start making decisions for the betterment of my physical, emotional and spiritual health. And I need to let go of other people for a little while. The ones who matter will hold on to me or still be there when I get back. I think I cling to much, so step number one of the self discover/self improvement adventure: let go. let go. let go.
Mmmm. Ahhh... Just typing it feels good.
So, that is all for this crazy night.
Namaste. Be love.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Transitions
A new chapter. Possibly a whole new book. A new blog.
The summer is ending, and it is really starting to sink in that I am not going back to school. I always knew that school was a big part of my life. When people asked me what I did, who I was, student was always at or near the top of the list. I guess I just never knew just how much of my identity was wrapped up in being a student until the reality of not being one hit me the last week or so.
I know that being a student doesn't require that you are in some sort of institution. I'm learning so much just doing five shows a week for months at a time, and I'm learning to play the guitar, and the ukulele, and I'm going to start violin lessons in a couple weeks. But at the same time, I really do love being in school. Having classes. Buying books. Meeting new professors. Even studying for exams.
I love being a student. Which makes me think that I want to go to grad school as soon as possible. Although, at the same time, it also makes me wonder if I should wait a while longer for grad school. I know I will always be a student of life, but perhaps if I jump into my MFA and PhD too fast I will always only be an academic student.
I want to travel. I want to make mistakes. Have strange jobs. See strange things. Meet strange people. I want to do the things I can only do when I'm stupid and in my 20's. I suppose I could do those things later too, but it seems people are more forgiving of rash decisions and foolishness in youth.
So in these last few weeks of summer I will try and not let my melancholy and jealousy take over as I watch my friends return to school. I will find new teachers and new things to learn this year. I will be my own teacher. I am planning a road trip through Utah, Colorado, Arizona, California, Oregon and Washington this fall, and I know that taking that trip alone will teach me a lot about the world and about myself. I hope I can spend this year learning who I am besides student. Artist? Lover? Gypsy? Writer? Reader? Woman? Songwriter? Who knows what possibilities lay open at my feet?
I have generally not been a very good blogger in the past, but who knows, maybe without college I will be a bit better at recording some of these thoughts and dreams that percolate through my post grad brain.
So here goes. New blog. New day. New me? Maybe not, but new version...
As I wander and wonder I will greet each day as an opportunity. Live from a place of gratitude. Look for, and expect, miracles. And treat each day with the reverence it deserves. I get to live, I get to breathe, I get to dance, I get to sing. Today is a good day.
namaste
be love
The summer is ending, and it is really starting to sink in that I am not going back to school. I always knew that school was a big part of my life. When people asked me what I did, who I was, student was always at or near the top of the list. I guess I just never knew just how much of my identity was wrapped up in being a student until the reality of not being one hit me the last week or so.
I know that being a student doesn't require that you are in some sort of institution. I'm learning so much just doing five shows a week for months at a time, and I'm learning to play the guitar, and the ukulele, and I'm going to start violin lessons in a couple weeks. But at the same time, I really do love being in school. Having classes. Buying books. Meeting new professors. Even studying for exams.
I love being a student. Which makes me think that I want to go to grad school as soon as possible. Although, at the same time, it also makes me wonder if I should wait a while longer for grad school. I know I will always be a student of life, but perhaps if I jump into my MFA and PhD too fast I will always only be an academic student.
I want to travel. I want to make mistakes. Have strange jobs. See strange things. Meet strange people. I want to do the things I can only do when I'm stupid and in my 20's. I suppose I could do those things later too, but it seems people are more forgiving of rash decisions and foolishness in youth.
So in these last few weeks of summer I will try and not let my melancholy and jealousy take over as I watch my friends return to school. I will find new teachers and new things to learn this year. I will be my own teacher. I am planning a road trip through Utah, Colorado, Arizona, California, Oregon and Washington this fall, and I know that taking that trip alone will teach me a lot about the world and about myself. I hope I can spend this year learning who I am besides student. Artist? Lover? Gypsy? Writer? Reader? Woman? Songwriter? Who knows what possibilities lay open at my feet?
I have generally not been a very good blogger in the past, but who knows, maybe without college I will be a bit better at recording some of these thoughts and dreams that percolate through my post grad brain.
So here goes. New blog. New day. New me? Maybe not, but new version...
As I wander and wonder I will greet each day as an opportunity. Live from a place of gratitude. Look for, and expect, miracles. And treat each day with the reverence it deserves. I get to live, I get to breathe, I get to dance, I get to sing. Today is a good day.
namaste
be love
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